Utah, near Deadhorse. 2010

Look far away.

Keep a vast mind.

Don’t squeeze yourself.

For awhile I was printing this on index cards and handing it out to puzzled clients. Usually they would read it, look up and say, Huh? But I think it contains a powerful teaching that can benefit us.

For many of us when we face a significant problem we focus on it. We focus so intensely that everything else generally fades away, and we are one single mass of anxiety or depression. We are quite literally “squeezing ourselves” with fear, as we see little else but the impending disaster our imagination is creating.

But the verse reminds us to see what we are doing, to become aware of how we’re freaking ourselves out, and to see a larger, more beautiful picture (“look far away”). We need to see that we’ve generally solved every problem we’ve ever encountered, so it stands to reason that we will get through this one, too. Or we may need to see that we have  forgotten that we are more than this current problem: We need to remember our strengths and areas of worth. Then we can relax a bit (“keep a vast mind”), ease off our struggle and become aware of our inner wisdom– which  somehow always gets us through.

I hope you enjoy them!

Gestalt asks an interesting question: if the client says he wants to quit drinking, why hasn’t he?  What is it that he enjoys or finds beneficial about the so-called problem? What’s going on with him that continues the behavior? In the case of alcohol or drug abuse it can be a lot of things: release from daily stressors, excitement of doing something illegal, relief from depression, excitement of being a rebel, etc.  Only when this is looked at, understood and accepted can the person move to the next step of doing without the alcohol. 

This step is highly counter-intuitive for many clients. They will ask, “Why do I want to look at and understand my drinking. I just want to quit!”  But that dynamic of not working with the behavior must somehow be holding the problem in place or the behavior wouldn’t be there. Usually there’s so much shame about having the problem that the client needs support to look at it closely.  This can be where therapy comes in.  The alcohol is meeting a powerful need for the person.  That need must be recognized and honored so that ways other than alcohol can eventually be found to meet it.

I’m moving my office on Friday July 8!  My new address will be 9 Lake Bellevue Drive, suite 217.   Beginning  July 11 I’ll see all clients at the new location.  I’m excited about the opportunity and I’m looking forward to the new location!  The easiest way to describe how to get there is:

If you’re going west on NE 8th from 120th, proceed to 118th (at the restaurant called the Pumphouse just before Whole Foods).  Turn right on 118th and follow the signs to 9 Lake Bellevue.

If you have questions, feel free to email me at Bill@BillCooperCounseling.com.

•We help people replace despair with hope

•We help people replace incompetence with effective problem-solving skills

•We help people replace terror with calm

•We help people replace intractable conflict with understanding and cooperation

•We help people replace misunderstanding with trust, and failure with success

I couldn’t have said it better.

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

Rumi–

translation by Coleman Barks

Like many therapists, I tend to take information from all 3 and include them in  my work with clients. Of the behavioral schools, one in particular, ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) has done a lot of good research without losing sight of the humanistic goal of helping to reduce our suffering.

Two points I really like about ACT:

• Mindfulness is taught in a behavioral, as opposed to pseudo-spiritual context.  The practice of mindfulness can help to reduce stress by the behavioral practice of sitting and bringing one’s attention to the present moment. This is less stressful than what we oftentimes do, which is to scare ourselves by imagining the worst.
• Identifying one’s values and leading a life in alignement with them is far more important than having pleasant emotions.  We often will be afraid and upset.  Many times we cannot completely control our emotions, and we’ll have a bad time.  It’s important not waste our life trying  to manage away these emotions before we do the things we want our life to be about. 

For more information on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: http://contextualpsychology.org/act

• You want a counselor who is trying to understand you, and you want to feel understood by your counselor. If after a few visits this is not occurring, you may want to discuss it with your therapist, or try another one.
• If it’s important to you, ask about how your counselor is working with you, what is her theoretical orientation, how does your counselor view your main problem?  Don’t be shy about these questions.  If the counselor becomes defensive or too vague for your comfort level, discuss your thoughts.
• It may take a while for the counseling experience to take a direction and for you to feel that you’re making progress.  But it should eventually feel that you are making progress.  If not, I encourage you to discuss your thoughts with your therapist.  She may not know your concerns, and you may find the discussion leads to some insight on your part as to what has been holding things up. Or you may decide to move on.

The bottom line is this: You are the expert on you.  You know more about yourself, your passions and fears than your counselor.  Reconsider your counselor if you believe she is trying to convince you of a particular story about yourself that doesn’t fit or make sense to you. 

The goal of counseling is to have a better understanding of what is holding you back in life, and to overcome that barrier if you choose to.  You should feel that your counselor is your ally in this process.